The checkered game of life

Yes, this feels familiar: instead of studying, writing the paper, reading the article, I'm fooling around on the internet. Putting off what I don't want to do while I worry, just a little, about how it will end up. The subject matter is different now (accursed GRE!) but I still feel that tight little knot of anxiety in the bottom of my stomach. I know I can do it, but how? It's always the same. I know I can but I'm not quite sure how I'll pull it off. Two years, and it's still the same. So close, almost, on the verge, of believing in myself absolutely. The other part: I don't want to. I don't want to take this test, I don't want to study. I'd rather read a book, clean the bathroom, be at work even. After two years of not doing anything like this, it's so difficult (hmmm, graduate school?) to make myself study for this. I hate math. Yesterday I went through the verbal and quantitative sections on a practice test (I tried and couldn't make myself do the practice analytical section) and I actually scored lower than I had on the initial "diagnostic" test. Really? Not very encouraging. Slightly more reassuring: that I did fairly well on both, in the scheme of the test, percentile rankings, admissions standards for some MLIS programs. So why am I worrying?

Test day: July 7. Just under three weeks. I can't believe I'm actually doing it. After thinking about it (abstractly) for months in Spain, trying to motivate myself in the fall, thinking about it (more concretely) in Central America, here I am. It's been building up over these months, now in to a looming spectre of possible failure. My brother's roommates--unlikely source of reassurance--put the issue in perspective. It really doesn't matter much at all ("Hell, I plan on taking the LSAT lots of times", "Lie, say you've only taken it once"). If I do poorly, I can retake it. As many times as possible (and lie). A mediocre score will probably be fine for admissions. It just doesn't matter that much in the checkered game of life (which, by the way, has given me and my peers an unrealistic version of how life will play itself out, especially after college--fuck you Milton Bradley).

Standardized testing: what a wonderful way to measure an individual's intelligence, ability, capability, talent, prospect, worth. It's just a test, another hoop through which to jump, another hurdle to pass on this road through life. Rather, on the road that I'm choosing for the current moment. Once I pass this step, I will have to make all sorts of decisions. Where, when, how. If I actually want to commit the time money energy to do this. But these will wait until after July 7.