A Life

And time keeps marching on. It tugs me along with it, whether I like it or not, but toward what I'm not sure. Maybe I'm just not meant to be content with stagnation. Mediocrity. Life will not allow me to sit back and be a barista forever. (Life? What is this life?) For the first time in perhaps ever I feel like I absolutely control my future. It can be what I want it to be because I have the power and the faith to realize it. This is nearly one of the only decisions about the course of my life that I've made on my own. I don't regret the path I've taken here (centering around educational choices which perhaps shape my future more than most anything else) because I've learned from it and gained tools to change for the better. But to think that my future is in my hands (my hands) right now. I look at my two hands. I get to decide. And if I fail it's okay because it happens. I'm not overly preoccupied with "failing" because that's opportunities for knowledge experience learning.

It's absolutely exciting while being occasionally overwhelming. My breath catches as I consider possibilities about the future. Short term. Long term. Ever. I yearn for the happiness I see in my future. (Future, what is this future?) I have time. I believe I could be satisfied, content in the appropriate job and I believe that I can find it.

I've taken significant steps toward taking the GRE. I've taken a practice test to establish my preparatory needs, begun to study a prep book, registered for the test. July 7th. I'm not in a real hurry to begin any more higher education. If I don't do well, I have time. But I think I will do well enough (practice test and “word of the day” examples indicate yes).

I have made moderate progress toward finding a volunteer position as part of a literacy program. I hated teaching (“teaching”) English to indifferent Spanish adolescents. I want to help willing students of any age to understand my language so that they can communicate effectively in the dominant language of this country.

This wanders, wanders. I've been told to stop apologizing so frequently. I'm not sorry that this rambles along in muddled thoughts with barely intelligible transitions. We'll see how I like it tomorrow.



P.S. Nearly all the postcards I sent during my third(ish) week in Costa Rica from San Isidro are finally reaching their destinations. I knew it would happen; incredibly, it took four months and they're arriving about simultaneously. Why?

What would Jerry Pournelle write?

I still lack a clear objective with this blog. Now that my travels have come to a definite pause (as could also be said for the previous Seattle interlude between the two most recent adventures, but this time more deliberately) I want to continue writing but I'm not sure what. How. I need somewhere to direct my excess mental energies. I've kept a constant journal for the past two years but blogging is an entirely separate outlet. Yes, I'm writing about my life but I'm writing for a possible audience (who actually reads this anyway?) so I care to write it well. Perhaps I'm trying to open myself to anyone who cares to listen (read), to express all this confusion about who I am, where I'm going, who I want to be and maybe (just maybe!) arrive at some kind of working conclusion.

Writing is a haven where I can release what I'm thinking feeling wondering, go deep within myself to see what's buried in there at that exact moment. To bring forth these formless things in order to shape them in to something coherent. The blog is much more accessible than the rambling journals. Through this manner of reflection I realize how much I want to know myself, over and over. This immutable motif in my life. In the blog I can type my ideas nearly as fast as I can think them. I review, edit them to create a intelligible story to and about myself. This blog is a public record of my life. I ask: Who even reads it? Then: Who cares? Writing, for myself or for an audience, is the best way I can express my feelings thoughts opinions in any articulate or comprehensible manner.

What do people write about in blogs? I don't know enough to write about music or film or politics (is that selling myself short or being realistic?). That I have traveled extensively must count for something in this life. I sat down to write this post about [delayed] reverse culture shock. To return to the subject which I dealt with on my return from Europe. My brother told me (drunkenly, on the night of his 21st birthday) that each time I go on one of my "excursions" (his word) I come back more calm, more "chill" (again, his), more accepting (mine interpreting his). I asked a close friend if I had changed: a solid No. How is it if two of the people who may know me best can't even agree on this? If we are experiencing constant change, how much change is enough to be more dramatic, more special, notable? I feel different than when I left. Is it some change inside me? Is it a different attitude? A different perspective? My physical environment? The weather? There are so many variables working together on this. I wonder: is my attitude toward my living situation so powerful as to effect this much difference?

I'm so happy. I hate to write it as if to jinx it (superstition is powerful even for those who don't believe it) or is it as if to admit it? As if to reconsider it later and decide I wasn't actually happy? Can't I just accept it for what it is and enjoy everything? This looks like one of my journal entries: more queries than explanations. I dealt with the problem of my future when I came back from Spain. Now I'm dealing with the enigma that is me. Trying to figure out who I've been, who I am, who I will both unconsciously and purposefully become. Trying to figure out why I'm so happy and do everything in my power to remain so. This is all I want out of life. I must find the means to this end.

I'm going to take a creative writing class through North Seattle Community College beginning at the end of June. I'm incredibly eager to do something like this. I've been telling people: in order to maintain motivation and in order to gain support through other people and involve them in my life. I'm not sure why. Mostly positive with one ambivalent response. I would love any and all opinions, suggestions, input about this blog from any and all of you readers out there. Whoever you may be. [Is there anybody out there?]