Thursday, October 22, 2009

A Tall and Unstable Stack of Emotions

Today is weird. Yesterday was weird. Maybe tomorrow, too, will be weird. I'm trying so desperately to get a grasp on my life (a very firm hold, preferably around the throat); each time, nearly tangible, then gone.

So, at work today: I spent the better part of an afternoon (of a very, very long day) listening to Elliott Smith and feeling sentimental. Perhaps the maudlinness was inspired by the myriad memories associated with the music--intense relationships ending in painful break-ups, confused college years, solitude in Spain--or the realization that this month, this year is quickly coming to a close. It's that birthday time of year again and I will be twenty-five. The number itself doesn't intimidate me so much as the need, or desire, or compulsion, to evaluate the year past. I'm not quite sure of the accomplishments, failures, or lack thereof (evidence of stagnation). I'm also not quite sure if I'm ready to delve into this quite yet.

Which leads me to... the next emotion: anxiety regarding the graduate school thing. Enumerating each stress-inducing part is unnecessary. Suffice it to say that I'm afraid of not being accepted at any school and (either independently or as a result of) going about the process incorrectly. Unfounded stupidity that won't leave my brain.

I finally left work and was biking home through the neighborhoods--cautiously--when a woman came relatively close to possibly hitting me as she left her parking garage and waited to turn left. She probably would not have hit me but I could see it happening in detail. She saw the car in front of me pass, checked the other direction and was about to pull out. She saw and stopped but if she hadn't looked again, she probably would have hit me. So many drivers, myself included, would not have checked again upon occasion. I don't know how to make myself more visible and I hate being on my guard, constantly, for reckless and inattentive drivers. I hate envisioning multiple and varied collisions between surrounding motor vehicles and myself. This incident (non-incident) brought everything back: the accident, the frustration with the insurance company, the near-constant feeling of being ill-at-ease and tense while biking. So, I started crying. While biking the short distance home. I had to stop once to wipe my face and compose myself. The emotions could have been sadness, anger, frustration, despondency, I'm not sure.

I reached home, unscathed, cried a little more. Felt better, chatted with the roommate, looked at the mail. Opened a letter from the City of Seattle to find a subpoena to act as a witness for the case brought by the city against the stupid woman who hit me with her car. Disbelief, irritation, and resentment. Why can't this conclude itself ever? A touch of perplexity. Why is the insurance company only willing to accept 75% liability if there is a case brought against her by the city?! For the love of everything! Exasperation.

Not sure what I'm feeling now--better. Thanks for listening, all.

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

The Aftermath

I'm sitting here, it's Tuesday night, I'm eating an apple. I've designated the next few hours to researching graduate schools, so of course I blog instead (another thing I've put off for a week). I don't understand how I've been back in Seattle for nearly a week; time is rapidly escaping me in an utterly incomprehensible way that leaves me feeling panicked and far from being in control.

I made some decisions during the trip to Utah and now I feel the necessity to move in the direction of their implementation. Yet, there is the stumbling block of HOW. And I do feel as though I am stumbling along the path of Life at the present, bumbling along, semi-conscious of what I need to be doing to get where I want to be. That's a difference, though: I know where I want to be (more or less, work with me, please). Because the half-formed ideas that have been rattling around in my head are coming together into something coherent. And now I just have to get there.

I wish I could say that this trip was what I needed, but I'm not quite sure. It exposed the restlessness, the discontent, these issues that have been plaguing me under the guise of a meaningless, stifling job--which is only part of a much larger situation. I realized and finally admitted to myself that I wasn't happy with most aspects of my life. One possible solution is to shake it up completely, toss it in the air, and quickly reassemble the pieces as they fall before they re-solidify into more of the same.

I want to leave Seattle. I want to leave Washington. I've lived in Spain, I've traveled extensively in Central America and Europe, yet I have few tangible experiences from within my own country. I've only lived along the I-5 corridor in Washington, and it's time to leave. Graduate school is the prime opportunity.

Now, how to get there.