T minus 10 days until I leave for Costa Rica. I'm in Olympia, snowed into the house by a veritable winter wonderland. Always a good time for reflection. I've been thinking about the new year, of course. Where I am now versus where I was a year ago (Lisbon), where I've been, who I am and how I've changed. Recent polls with new acquaintances show me that not everyone reflects in this manner: strange. Or perhaps they don't even reflect at all. But, how else do you learn about yourself? The imminent departure also forces me to think about the last time I left "forever", a little over a year ago. Granted, this is a smaller trip, with less build-up, less unknown, less commitment, less waiting, less ties--entanglements--to home. But it is still leaving for several months to an area of the world I have never visited, to a less developed region with malaria, dengue, typhoid... I feel (as) calm (as can be expected), (moderately) prepared, (generally) focused, (actually really quite) ready. And (oh-so) excited. I'm looking forward to traveling with Emily, who always encourages me to do the dumb thing I want to do because she knows I want to do it and I'll eventually learn from it, and I probably wouldn't listen to her if she told me not to anyway. She also often thinks that the dumb thing I want to do IS a good idea and we do it together. Like this trip...

I've been back in Western Washington for over 4 months now. The time has passed so quickly. I'm fairly sure I'll move back to Seattle when I return, but who knows? Bar some incredible offer or opportunity elsewhere, I will. I think. There is still no reason for me to be anywhere, still liberating and terrifying. I like the city but I need to explore more facets of its culture. I ended up hating my job; not for the job but for the customers. Rich, self-important, privileged yuppies. I've decided that I need a "real" job (read: where I use my degree and receive benefits) when I get back. Yay for the economy! But this is clearly not the time to worry about that. I still need to plan this trip. Everyone has told me to do this "while you can", "while you're young", or, "for me". These have been adults (grown-ups, you know, at least 20 years my senior who envy my complete lack of responsibilities, commitments and obligations). Responses from friends or acquaintances my own age have been more... honest? From "you hippie!" about the farming to dubiety about the entire plan. To "what exactly are you doing down there? Just traveling?" as if traveling to a foreign place must be the means to an end, not the end itself. It upsets me that I still care what other people think. Simply because my plan wouldn't work for them, why can't it work for me? And it can, but their doubts infect me with doubts about myself. I keep telling myself that I will come back and settle down and be happy doing what my friends are doing: more school, "real" jobs, at least working for their ultimate career and life goals. But I have the rest of my life for that! Always going back to the fact that I don't know what I want. And how will I know what I want when I find it? Do I stumble upon something and realize I want it? I don't want to look back at a year and realize I've done nothing. That I've learned nothing and experienced nothing, although many people may say that I've been working towards a career or ... I want to feel as if I'm moving forward toward something. But what? In the meantime, I suppose I'll spend my time doing something I love. I'm hoping this adventure will sate my wanderlust for awhile, at least.