Home...?

Yes, I feel as if my life, the life I have returned to, is punctuated by ...? more often than not. My plans for the future, my plans for now, what I want, what I need. I've been home (once again, home...?) for over a week now; everything is the same and nothing is the same. My life is full of these paradoxes: about change, about time, about my future (inevitable) employment. I laughed in the face of reverse culture shock (it's just an anthropological term, right?) but, really, it's hitting me. Theoretically, I knew that things changed while I was gone, but it's difficult to anticipate it in practice. I get the question, "So, what are you plans?" every time I see someone again for the first time. I always thought that college was the difficult time--choosing your major, graduating--and that after graduation, you somehow got a job in that field. What the fuck was I thinking? Anyway, it's strange to see what my friends are doing now. From what I've seen so far, there are two general paths open to me: doing hard drugs and drinking heavily while working a no-responsibility job, or turning adult and working a professional job or going back to school. Neither appeals. There must be something else, but this really seems to be what everyone I know is doing. I had come to terms with my lack of direction while I was in Spain but I've been feeling outside pressure since day 2 in the US (e.g. checking up on my daily progress). But regardless! I love being back! I love spending time with my friends and family, of being around people who know and understand me (as well as anyone could probably understand me). It already feels like I've been here forever. Really, this is just a continuation of my homeless wandering of the past two months--just a different, familiar setting. There are so many possibilities and I have no obligation or commitment anywhere nor towards anyone. And I'm paralyzed into inaction. I'm paralyzed by the thought of making the wrong choice and closing off possible options forever. Of getting stuck in a job I hate with an obligation to continue working. I have received so much advice (solicited or not), and I do realize that by not choosing anything I am losing possibilities too. So I can't win but I probably can't lose either. It just takes time, I suppose.